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Thursday, May 21, 2009
days that are spent idling are always time that i use to reflect and think through certain aspects of life. looking at facebook, i realise i do have alot of friends but why then i find it hard to get people to go out with me? been pondering for very long. everytime when i scroll down my contact lists, there are only that few people that i'm comfortable to go out with, some as a group and some individual outing/date. its like choosing what clothes to wear when u're out, i have ALOT of shirts. the ones that i will wear are always the usual few. old ones are nice, but the new ones look better on me now. i failed to realise that old clothes are less risky to wear since u've been wearing them for a long time. unlike new clothes that u haven really wear it on many occasions, u dunno if u look good and whether ur friends will say its nice. okie maybe clothes ain't a good analogy but i suppose u know what i mean.
i am trying to meet up with old friends, trying to establish back the old friendships, friendships that i still treasure. as i was looking through old photos, alot of fond memories start to fill up my mind. some moments when i wished time would stop so i can indulge in it a little longer, some i rather put it away and never look at it again. good and bad times but they shaped me, they define me. how i was brought up, how i feel about certain issues how i deal with them. these people made an impact in my life one way or another. i cannot deny that, be it good or bad but mostly good. they helped me grow up, they gave me the attention that i needed, they showed me love. as we grow older, we got busy and drifted apart.
when i was talking to julius the other day, he asked me what happened when i orded. did i continue to meet up with my army friends? sadly no, its strange really. i would like to think that we were qutie close, friends that i played with for a year, 5 times a week. apart from qingnan, i hardly met up with the rest. it seems that all of us fall under the trap of convenient friends. close friends and friends whom u will hang out with most often are always the ones nearest to u. your neighbour, ur school friends, ur church friends etc. my union friends are somewhat the closest friends that i have now, hang out really alot but somehow things starting to change cuz everyone's busy. we no longer function as a group, more like individual cliques. good and bad, everyone has to play a part to maintain a friendship. the same few people who organises outing will eventually give up cuz its tiring.
seriously, i considered working to kill time. somehow its not going to work because work is not going to find me and neither am i going to look for one. i guess i will visit the library more often like what i did today to learn new things about life. did some readings on quantum physics and i intend to do some readings on Forex and stocks. i am also quite interesting in learning how to use photoshop so whoever who has the program can teach me. i will not waste my 3 mths holiday doing nothing. oh i almost forgot, i feel like taking up driving lessons cuz the car at home is under utilised. not having a license somehow make me feel less of a man.
i wonder if all the things that we do carry a hidden agenda. my world which was suppose to be a simple one turned really complex when i got abit smarter and better than most people. that's the scary thing about power. when there is something u have that is better than others, that will give u power. it can be the skill to play an instrument, looking more handsome than people, good at sports, sweet tongue, rich etc. of cuz, one can choose either to use these gifts to build others up or to tear them down. sometimes when we are too into our ourselves that blinded us from what's really happening. acting selfishly disregarding how others might feel will cause long term resentment which might take a lifetime to heal. hmm, maybe not that serious but somewhere along that line. hidden agendas are complicated when u have it subconsciously. u do something so often that it becomes part of u. as in u dun give it great thought until someone decides to confront it. i have a tendancy to do that so i always remind myself that its not a good thing. excuses like protecting my friends become a shield yet the real issues remain dormant. it does not go away just like that. that's where close friends come in, friends who know me relatively well and smart enough to know where it all lies. i am not someone who will spell everything out for u, u need to find out urself. irritating? yes i admit but i doubt any guy will just share everything to do. i need to test ur understanding and ur ability to discern certain things.
God has been trying to confront certain issues in my life. He showed me adam and eve, whereby they're life was said to be perfect since they lived in harmony with God until they realised that God didn't share with them everything. there was thing one tree whereby God forbid them to go near but human nature caused them to yearn for that one tree. there is something that i want in my life whereby i know it is forbidden. i feel as though without it i will be unhappy, feel that without it i cannot be complete. even if it means to disobey God, i must have it. God asked me if i will truly be happy even if i obtained the forbidden fruit. in the bible, i knew the ending of adam and eve. they fell into sin, banished from the garden of eden. eve had to go through labor pain and adam has to slog in the fields to work and earn a living. so then, is it worth it? i know i am not trusting God enough, i know that i should. i've waited long enough, God. i pray that u'll give me patience and faith to believe that everything will come into play, that u have control over my life. u know what is best for me and u want to bless me simply because u love me so much. God show me more of ur love each day, that i may be renewed in ur spirit and walk to u closely every seconds of my life. looking back the past 6 years of my life as a christian, not once have u failed me and i know u never will. God, as i wait for things to happen, i pray that u'll give me friends that i can depend on till that someone comes. till then Lord, i'll wait and trust in you. i will not make plans for myself, i will not waver. guard my heart against anything that is not of ur will. AMEN!!
+++1:00 AM+++
Jesus is Love
days that are spent idling are always time that i use to reflect and think through certain aspects of life. looking at facebook, i realise i do have alot of friends but why then i find it hard to get people to go out with me? been pondering for very long. everytime when i scroll down my contact lists, there are only that few people that i'm comfortable to go out with, some as a group and some individual outing/date. its like choosing what clothes to wear when u're out, i have ALOT of shirts. the ones that i will wear are always the usual few. old ones are nice, but the new ones look better on me now. i failed to realise that old clothes are less risky to wear since u've been wearing them for a long time. unlike new clothes that u haven really wear it on many occasions, u dunno if u look good and whether ur friends will say its nice. okie maybe clothes ain't a good analogy but i suppose u know what i mean.
i am trying to meet up with old friends, trying to establish back the old friendships, friendships that i still treasure. as i was looking through old photos, alot of fond memories start to fill up my mind. some moments when i wished time would stop so i can indulge in it a little longer, some i rather put it away and never look at it again. good and bad times but they shaped me, they define me. how i was brought up, how i feel about certain issues how i deal with them. these people made an impact in my life one way or another. i cannot deny that, be it good or bad but mostly good. they helped me grow up, they gave me the attention that i needed, they showed me love. as we grow older, we got busy and drifted apart.
when i was talking to julius the other day, he asked me what happened when i orded. did i continue to meet up with my army friends? sadly no, its strange really. i would like to think that we were qutie close, friends that i played with for a year, 5 times a week. apart from qingnan, i hardly met up with the rest. it seems that all of us fall under the trap of convenient friends. close friends and friends whom u will hang out with most often are always the ones nearest to u. your neighbour, ur school friends, ur church friends etc. my union friends are somewhat the closest friends that i have now, hang out really alot but somehow things starting to change cuz everyone's busy. we no longer function as a group, more like individual cliques. good and bad, everyone has to play a part to maintain a friendship. the same few people who organises outing will eventually give up cuz its tiring.
seriously, i considered working to kill time. somehow its not going to work because work is not going to find me and neither am i going to look for one. i guess i will visit the library more often like what i did today to learn new things about life. did some readings on quantum physics and i intend to do some readings on Forex and stocks. i am also quite interesting in learning how to use photoshop so whoever who has the program can teach me. i will not waste my 3 mths holiday doing nothing. oh i almost forgot, i feel like taking up driving lessons cuz the car at home is under utilised. not having a license somehow make me feel less of a man.
i wonder if all the things that we do carry a hidden agenda. my world which was suppose to be a simple one turned really complex when i got abit smarter and better than most people. that's the scary thing about power. when there is something u have that is better than others, that will give u power. it can be the skill to play an instrument, looking more handsome than people, good at sports, sweet tongue, rich etc. of cuz, one can choose either to use these gifts to build others up or to tear them down. sometimes when we are too into our ourselves that blinded us from what's really happening. acting selfishly disregarding how others might feel will cause long term resentment which might take a lifetime to heal. hmm, maybe not that serious but somewhere along that line. hidden agendas are complicated when u have it subconsciously. u do something so often that it becomes part of u. as in u dun give it great thought until someone decides to confront it. i have a tendancy to do that so i always remind myself that its not a good thing. excuses like protecting my friends become a shield yet the real issues remain dormant. it does not go away just like that. that's where close friends come in, friends who know me relatively well and smart enough to know where it all lies. i am not someone who will spell everything out for u, u need to find out urself. irritating? yes i admit but i doubt any guy will just share everything to do. i need to test ur understanding and ur ability to discern certain things.
God has been trying to confront certain issues in my life. He showed me adam and eve, whereby they're life was said to be perfect since they lived in harmony with God until they realised that God didn't share with them everything. there was thing one tree whereby God forbid them to go near but human nature caused them to yearn for that one tree. there is something that i want in my life whereby i know it is forbidden. i feel as though without it i will be unhappy, feel that without it i cannot be complete. even if it means to disobey God, i must have it. God asked me if i will truly be happy even if i obtained the forbidden fruit. in the bible, i knew the ending of adam and eve. they fell into sin, banished from the garden of eden. eve had to go through labor pain and adam has to slog in the fields to work and earn a living. so then, is it worth it? i know i am not trusting God enough, i know that i should. i've waited long enough, God. i pray that u'll give me patience and faith to believe that everything will come into play, that u have control over my life. u know what is best for me and u want to bless me simply because u love me so much. God show me more of ur love each day, that i may be renewed in ur spirit and walk to u closely every seconds of my life. looking back the past 6 years of my life as a christian, not once have u failed me and i know u never will. God, as i wait for things to happen, i pray that u'll give me friends that i can depend on till that someone comes. till then Lord, i'll wait and trust in you. i will not make plans for myself, i will not waver. guard my heart against anything that is not of ur will. AMEN!!
Jesus is Love