stuff
Kelvin
1st September
Affliation: Bartley Christian Church/ NOVO/ muffins
physics conqueror
web counter
~March 2005~
~April 2005~
~May 2005~
~June 2005~
~July 2005~
~August 2005~
~September 2005~
~October 2005~
~November 2005~
~December 2005~
~January 2006~
~February 2006~
~March 2006~
~April 2006~
~May 2006~
~June 2006~
~July 2006~
~August 2006~
~September 2006~
~October 2006~
~November 2006~
~December 2006~
~January 2007~
~February 2007~
~March 2007~
~April 2007~
~May 2007~
~June 2007~
~July 2007~
~August 2007~
~September 2007~
~October 2007~
~November 2007~
~December 2007~
~January 2008~
~February 2008~
~March 2008~
~April 2008~
~May 2008~
~June 2008~
~July 2008~
~August 2008~
~September 2008~
~October 2008~
~December 2008~
~January 2009~
~February 2009~
~March 2009~
~April 2009~
~May 2009~
~June 2009~
~July 2009~
~August 2009~
~September 2009~
~October 2009~
~November 2009~
~January 2010~
~February 2010~
~March 2010~
~April 2010~
~May 2010~
~June 2010~
~July 2010~
~September 2010~
~October 2010~
~March 2011~
designed by QOz
image from gettyimages
get more skins from blogskins
Sunday, May 24, 2009
my friend asked me. what do u think gonna happen when u have a girlfriend. i thought for a really long time, people usually start off by defining the reasons for why u need one in the first place. i will try to answer the questions here, going to be completely honest with myself so try not to throw anything at me if i answered wrongly. at the very least, try to correct me.
for one, companionship. i guess being in a relationship is about committing to spend time getting to know each other, enjoy being together and to develop trust and build up on communication, both verbal and non verbal.
the next important aspect is an investment to love and be loved. a close friend that u can hold on to and enjoy intimate moments with. however, physical contact should be restricted as in a line should be drawn so as not to cross unintended boundaries. was trying to compare this with a close friend. somehow at this point of time, i feel that having close friend will still yield a higher return cuz there's less risk and i believe, close friends at this point in your life is far more lasting and eternal than ur bf/gf.
i define courtship as a phase whereby a couple try to get to know one another, while having the intention of getting married. during this phase, there are still alot of uncertainties. if handled carelessly, it might result in the end of a friendship. that's the main difference between a relationship and a friendship.
after going thru all these reasoning, i guess having a girl friend do require alot of your time. however, u can control how u spend ur time and with good organisational skills, life will be great. of cuz, primary concern will be to balance up gf and friends. needless to say, priority will go to family and church ministry. when out with friends, even when girl friend's around, friends will come first. when out with gf, i will probably put my phone on silent and not use it unless she's not with me (toilet or something).
then, another question came to my mind. lets say my guy friend decides to stay over and my gf is around, how do i deal with it? as much as possible, i will hope that my gf will understand and let us have some boys talk. if not, if she decides to stay, i will probably still slp with my friend. rationale being, no doubt that gf is important, but my guy friends dun usually stayover and i obviously will spend more time with gf. choosing friends over gf for that scenario doesn't equate to friends being more important than her; that doesn't also say that friends are less important than her. to me i guess friends and gf are of equal weightage. to be completely honest, i cannot share everything with my girlfriend. its a completely different story with a wife obviously.
im really blessed to have awesome friends who showered me with enough love that kept me going through my singlehood. somehow things changed over time, friends got busy during holidays. now im left alone, hoping for some love. NOT!! single life's not that bad, till i get a girlfriend, i shall enjoy my freedom. yay
+++11:56 PM+++
Jesus is Love
Thursday, May 21, 2009
days that are spent idling are always time that i use to reflect and think through certain aspects of life. looking at facebook, i realise i do have alot of friends but why then i find it hard to get people to go out with me? been pondering for very long. everytime when i scroll down my contact lists, there are only that few people that i'm comfortable to go out with, some as a group and some individual outing/date. its like choosing what clothes to wear when u're out, i have ALOT of shirts. the ones that i will wear are always the usual few. old ones are nice, but the new ones look better on me now. i failed to realise that old clothes are less risky to wear since u've been wearing them for a long time. unlike new clothes that u haven really wear it on many occasions, u dunno if u look good and whether ur friends will say its nice. okie maybe clothes ain't a good analogy but i suppose u know what i mean.
i am trying to meet up with old friends, trying to establish back the old friendships, friendships that i still treasure. as i was looking through old photos, alot of fond memories start to fill up my mind. some moments when i wished time would stop so i can indulge in it a little longer, some i rather put it away and never look at it again. good and bad times but they shaped me, they define me. how i was brought up, how i feel about certain issues how i deal with them. these people made an impact in my life one way or another. i cannot deny that, be it good or bad but mostly good. they helped me grow up, they gave me the attention that i needed, they showed me love. as we grow older, we got busy and drifted apart.
when i was talking to julius the other day, he asked me what happened when i orded. did i continue to meet up with my army friends? sadly no, its strange really. i would like to think that we were qutie close, friends that i played with for a year, 5 times a week. apart from qingnan, i hardly met up with the rest. it seems that all of us fall under the trap of convenient friends. close friends and friends whom u will hang out with most often are always the ones nearest to u. your neighbour, ur school friends, ur church friends etc. my union friends are somewhat the closest friends that i have now, hang out really alot but somehow things starting to change cuz everyone's busy. we no longer function as a group, more like individual cliques. good and bad, everyone has to play a part to maintain a friendship. the same few people who organises outing will eventually give up cuz its tiring.
seriously, i considered working to kill time. somehow its not going to work because work is not going to find me and neither am i going to look for one. i guess i will visit the library more often like what i did today to learn new things about life. did some readings on quantum physics and i intend to do some readings on Forex and stocks. i am also quite interesting in learning how to use photoshop so whoever who has the program can teach me. i will not waste my 3 mths holiday doing nothing. oh i almost forgot, i feel like taking up driving lessons cuz the car at home is under utilised. not having a license somehow make me feel less of a man.
i wonder if all the things that we do carry a hidden agenda. my world which was suppose to be a simple one turned really complex when i got abit smarter and better than most people. that's the scary thing about power. when there is something u have that is better than others, that will give u power. it can be the skill to play an instrument, looking more handsome than people, good at sports, sweet tongue, rich etc. of cuz, one can choose either to use these gifts to build others up or to tear them down. sometimes when we are too into our ourselves that blinded us from what's really happening. acting selfishly disregarding how others might feel will cause long term resentment which might take a lifetime to heal. hmm, maybe not that serious but somewhere along that line. hidden agendas are complicated when u have it subconsciously. u do something so often that it becomes part of u. as in u dun give it great thought until someone decides to confront it. i have a tendancy to do that so i always remind myself that its not a good thing. excuses like protecting my friends become a shield yet the real issues remain dormant. it does not go away just like that. that's where close friends come in, friends who know me relatively well and smart enough to know where it all lies. i am not someone who will spell everything out for u, u need to find out urself. irritating? yes i admit but i doubt any guy will just share everything to do. i need to test ur understanding and ur ability to discern certain things.
God has been trying to confront certain issues in my life. He showed me adam and eve, whereby they're life was said to be perfect since they lived in harmony with God until they realised that God didn't share with them everything. there was thing one tree whereby God forbid them to go near but human nature caused them to yearn for that one tree. there is something that i want in my life whereby i know it is forbidden. i feel as though without it i will be unhappy, feel that without it i cannot be complete. even if it means to disobey God, i must have it. God asked me if i will truly be happy even if i obtained the forbidden fruit. in the bible, i knew the ending of adam and eve. they fell into sin, banished from the garden of eden. eve had to go through labor pain and adam has to slog in the fields to work and earn a living. so then, is it worth it? i know i am not trusting God enough, i know that i should. i've waited long enough, God. i pray that u'll give me patience and faith to believe that everything will come into play, that u have control over my life. u know what is best for me and u want to bless me simply because u love me so much. God show me more of ur love each day, that i may be renewed in ur spirit and walk to u closely every seconds of my life. looking back the past 6 years of my life as a christian, not once have u failed me and i know u never will. God, as i wait for things to happen, i pray that u'll give me friends that i can depend on till that someone comes. till then Lord, i'll wait and trust in you. i will not make plans for myself, i will not waver. guard my heart against anything that is not of ur will. AMEN!!
+++1:00 AM+++
Jesus is Love
Monday, May 18, 2009
sometimes its good to stay at home and chill, sometimes its not. i always thought that maybe staying at home for half a day is good but i got bored after a few hours of watching show online. i started to think about what's going to happen next sem who school starts. things gonna be really different, friends who are no longer staying in hall will not be able to spend time with u. no more sudden visits from friends or last minute dinner plans.
been thinking about having a new relationship, finding the right girl ain't easy. with so many specifics that i need in my girlfriend, i am quite convinced that it's gonna take some time before i can share my life with someone. lowering my standards might be the only way out but does that mean that i am losing faith in God? had a talk with my mum regarding this and she compared me with my brother who got together with this christian girl from school. well, honestly speaking its really up to individual to decide what they what. however, for me God comes first.
been 3 weeks into the holidays and most of my friends are getting jobs. i chose not to simply because the next phase of my life (which is going to be a really long phase) i wil be working. moreover, its not as though i need the money to get anything. i know i am quite pampered in that sense, i dun deny that. will probably still get like a part time really short term job that pays relatively well if there is.
right now, just wanna plan my time wisely for the rest of the holidays. really wanna meet up all my friends whom i have lost contact with. that's where facebook comes in. hah. hoping to continue to meet up with my close friends regularly too. and yes, an important day is coming and i am clueless on what i should do. crashing party sounds like a really bad idea but somehow i guess it might work?? argh, i need to do better than that.
+++6:56 PM+++
Jesus is Love
Saturday, May 16, 2009
its been two weeks since the end of exams and i haven had a proper rest. its good i guess, to be engaged in so many things other than mugging. feels great to be home, hoping to see more of my parents but our time table kinda clashed since i wake up late and come back late whereas they wake up early and turn in early.
actually not much to blog about since recent events were quite personal and i dun really feel comfortable blogging it out. the two trips were overall rather enjoyable and i definitely got alot of new insights to look at issues that were previously unresolved. objectives were met and i'm pleased with the outcome of the results.
can't really be very specific as it is still ongoing and any form of disclosure might result in a change in outcome. heh.. this post gonna be quite boring cuz i ain't got the mood to blog. well, bear with it. ciao.. :P
+++1:07 AM+++
Jesus is Love
Friday, May 01, 2009
i tried to convince myself that its over and not think about it, guess what, i suceeded like 5 seconds after my paper. it ain't that hard, no point saying that i could have done better if i studied more. lets face it, its a fact and i screwed up but its OVER!! didn't have the excuse of last sem, whereby i really did my best. sometimes in life effort doesn't have a direct proportionality with results or i hope it does have an indirect relation, if that's the case i'll probably aced it. hah
feels great to be out in the streets, all dressed up and without a tinge of guilt that im not studying. movie was great, had a great company. i thought x men would have more actions but overall it was still worth watching. kinda realised something really strange but i shall not say anything here. we went far east to shop after that, there wasn't any guys stuff there so i was just following the girls around looking for heels.
had to rush down to bradell for dinner for cherylene's bday dinner but we ended up bickering instead. some things really dun change over the years. oh well, it was quite a good meet up though. how ironic eh?
had to rush to cityhall to meet sockie for mambo night. brea didn't managed to get me in so i had to pay for entrance fee. he was just standing 3 mins away from the entrance so i was quite sian diao. mambo night was strange, not much pple were dancing. those who know how to dance were already on the platform. i felt quite dumb doing the moves so i decided to go back to phuture. is that how u spell it? ah well.. think my capacity for alcohol increased. drank abit more than usual, in fact like 2 times more than my usual visits and stil feeling okie.
back at home, i felt completely drained but still had some energy left so i decided to call eueu to talk awhile. it was after like 5 mins before i felt the weariness creeping in. what a way to end an exam. woot!
the next day went out with eu dar candice yang jinyu for some martini thingy but it was full so we had a change of plans. was really excited to see them after so long. it was really cool chilling at timbre, sat there, talk abit, drink abit, eat abit, slack abit. i didn't talk much, the sky was beautiful that day, the moon together with the spotlight shining on the trees. this combination created quite a mesmorising landscape. i just sat there for really long, listening to the music and enjoying the presense of my friends. some of the conversations were quite revolting, i felt uncomfortable by how the world behaves. being sheltered allowed me to live in a world that seems beautiful and lovely. as one grows older, the world that we live in expands and we walk away from the source of light, drawing nearer to the darkness. its up to us really, whether do we venture into the darkness just as we are or do we carry a torchlight with us.
beginning to let God take control of my life, beginning to let the part of me dies off since at the end of the day it amounts to nothing. it feels great to not think about so many things and just follow someone wholeheartedly. no matter what difficulties i faced, i know i can walk through it because with light, darkness cannot be there. friendship sometimes can be so frivolous. i hate to admit that friends do really come and go, relationships too. however the case, i know there's still people that i can count on.
things are getting abit weird, abit too hard for me to handle. i hate the feeling of being caught in the middle or maybe i'm not. dun like the feeling of getting one sided or is it 2? arghh
mum just left my room, she was telling me about how the situation at her workplace improved. it was an answered prayers for me, not only that, God did more than usual again. i wanted to tell my mum how good God is but i know she knows it too. she's seen changes at home, she' seen changes in my dad's workplace, she's seen changes with my grandma for awhile. all these things are real, if it happens one, perhaps its a coincidence, twice perhaps just lucky. thrice, luck? think again!!
mum always teach me how to be nice to people eventhough they maytreat u otherwise. be patient with them, God knows what u have been through, He'll deliver u someday. she will swallow her pride, swallow all her resentment in office. its a good thing that she'll wait for me to come home every week to complain and tell me stuff. i dun want her to bottle everything inside of her. that's how my family works, we share every single detail of our lives.
a few things had been sorted out since i last had a major breakdown. trying to look at things from another angle, i wonder how it will work out. a bad investments will result in a loss so i need to be careful. at the same time i know that without risks, turnover rate will be relatively low. even using hidden markov's model, its futile because the probabilities of such is limitless. trial and error is the only way out and that sucks, so is life. walk on.
+++11:37 PM+++
Jesus is Love
my friend asked me. what do u think gonna happen when u have a girlfriend. i thought for a really long time, people usually start off by defining the reasons for why u need one in the first place. i will try to answer the questions here, going to be completely honest with myself so try not to throw anything at me if i answered wrongly. at the very least, try to correct me.
for one, companionship. i guess being in a relationship is about committing to spend time getting to know each other, enjoy being together and to develop trust and build up on communication, both verbal and non verbal.
the next important aspect is an investment to love and be loved. a close friend that u can hold on to and enjoy intimate moments with. however, physical contact should be restricted as in a line should be drawn so as not to cross unintended boundaries. was trying to compare this with a close friend. somehow at this point of time, i feel that having close friend will still yield a higher return cuz there's less risk and i believe, close friends at this point in your life is far more lasting and eternal than ur bf/gf.
i define courtship as a phase whereby a couple try to get to know one another, while having the intention of getting married. during this phase, there are still alot of uncertainties. if handled carelessly, it might result in the end of a friendship. that's the main difference between a relationship and a friendship.
after going thru all these reasoning, i guess having a girl friend do require alot of your time. however, u can control how u spend ur time and with good organisational skills, life will be great. of cuz, primary concern will be to balance up gf and friends. needless to say, priority will go to family and church ministry. when out with friends, even when girl friend's around, friends will come first. when out with gf, i will probably put my phone on silent and not use it unless she's not with me (toilet or something).
then, another question came to my mind. lets say my guy friend decides to stay over and my gf is around, how do i deal with it? as much as possible, i will hope that my gf will understand and let us have some boys talk. if not, if she decides to stay, i will probably still slp with my friend. rationale being, no doubt that gf is important, but my guy friends dun usually stayover and i obviously will spend more time with gf. choosing friends over gf for that scenario doesn't equate to friends being more important than her; that doesn't also say that friends are less important than her. to me i guess friends and gf are of equal weightage. to be completely honest, i cannot share everything with my girlfriend. its a completely different story with a wife obviously.
im really blessed to have awesome friends who showered me with enough love that kept me going through my singlehood. somehow things changed over time, friends got busy during holidays. now im left alone, hoping for some love. NOT!! single life's not that bad, till i get a girlfriend, i shall enjoy my freedom. yay
Jesus is Love
Thursday, May 21, 2009
days that are spent idling are always time that i use to reflect and think through certain aspects of life. looking at facebook, i realise i do have alot of friends but why then i find it hard to get people to go out with me? been pondering for very long. everytime when i scroll down my contact lists, there are only that few people that i'm comfortable to go out with, some as a group and some individual outing/date. its like choosing what clothes to wear when u're out, i have ALOT of shirts. the ones that i will wear are always the usual few. old ones are nice, but the new ones look better on me now. i failed to realise that old clothes are less risky to wear since u've been wearing them for a long time. unlike new clothes that u haven really wear it on many occasions, u dunno if u look good and whether ur friends will say its nice. okie maybe clothes ain't a good analogy but i suppose u know what i mean.
i am trying to meet up with old friends, trying to establish back the old friendships, friendships that i still treasure. as i was looking through old photos, alot of fond memories start to fill up my mind. some moments when i wished time would stop so i can indulge in it a little longer, some i rather put it away and never look at it again. good and bad times but they shaped me, they define me. how i was brought up, how i feel about certain issues how i deal with them. these people made an impact in my life one way or another. i cannot deny that, be it good or bad but mostly good. they helped me grow up, they gave me the attention that i needed, they showed me love. as we grow older, we got busy and drifted apart.
when i was talking to julius the other day, he asked me what happened when i orded. did i continue to meet up with my army friends? sadly no, its strange really. i would like to think that we were qutie close, friends that i played with for a year, 5 times a week. apart from qingnan, i hardly met up with the rest. it seems that all of us fall under the trap of convenient friends. close friends and friends whom u will hang out with most often are always the ones nearest to u. your neighbour, ur school friends, ur church friends etc. my union friends are somewhat the closest friends that i have now, hang out really alot but somehow things starting to change cuz everyone's busy. we no longer function as a group, more like individual cliques. good and bad, everyone has to play a part to maintain a friendship. the same few people who organises outing will eventually give up cuz its tiring.
seriously, i considered working to kill time. somehow its not going to work because work is not going to find me and neither am i going to look for one. i guess i will visit the library more often like what i did today to learn new things about life. did some readings on quantum physics and i intend to do some readings on Forex and stocks. i am also quite interesting in learning how to use photoshop so whoever who has the program can teach me. i will not waste my 3 mths holiday doing nothing. oh i almost forgot, i feel like taking up driving lessons cuz the car at home is under utilised. not having a license somehow make me feel less of a man.
i wonder if all the things that we do carry a hidden agenda. my world which was suppose to be a simple one turned really complex when i got abit smarter and better than most people. that's the scary thing about power. when there is something u have that is better than others, that will give u power. it can be the skill to play an instrument, looking more handsome than people, good at sports, sweet tongue, rich etc. of cuz, one can choose either to use these gifts to build others up or to tear them down. sometimes when we are too into our ourselves that blinded us from what's really happening. acting selfishly disregarding how others might feel will cause long term resentment which might take a lifetime to heal. hmm, maybe not that serious but somewhere along that line. hidden agendas are complicated when u have it subconsciously. u do something so often that it becomes part of u. as in u dun give it great thought until someone decides to confront it. i have a tendancy to do that so i always remind myself that its not a good thing. excuses like protecting my friends become a shield yet the real issues remain dormant. it does not go away just like that. that's where close friends come in, friends who know me relatively well and smart enough to know where it all lies. i am not someone who will spell everything out for u, u need to find out urself. irritating? yes i admit but i doubt any guy will just share everything to do. i need to test ur understanding and ur ability to discern certain things.
God has been trying to confront certain issues in my life. He showed me adam and eve, whereby they're life was said to be perfect since they lived in harmony with God until they realised that God didn't share with them everything. there was thing one tree whereby God forbid them to go near but human nature caused them to yearn for that one tree. there is something that i want in my life whereby i know it is forbidden. i feel as though without it i will be unhappy, feel that without it i cannot be complete. even if it means to disobey God, i must have it. God asked me if i will truly be happy even if i obtained the forbidden fruit. in the bible, i knew the ending of adam and eve. they fell into sin, banished from the garden of eden. eve had to go through labor pain and adam has to slog in the fields to work and earn a living. so then, is it worth it? i know i am not trusting God enough, i know that i should. i've waited long enough, God. i pray that u'll give me patience and faith to believe that everything will come into play, that u have control over my life. u know what is best for me and u want to bless me simply because u love me so much. God show me more of ur love each day, that i may be renewed in ur spirit and walk to u closely every seconds of my life. looking back the past 6 years of my life as a christian, not once have u failed me and i know u never will. God, as i wait for things to happen, i pray that u'll give me friends that i can depend on till that someone comes. till then Lord, i'll wait and trust in you. i will not make plans for myself, i will not waver. guard my heart against anything that is not of ur will. AMEN!!
Jesus is Love
Monday, May 18, 2009
sometimes its good to stay at home and chill, sometimes its not. i always thought that maybe staying at home for half a day is good but i got bored after a few hours of watching show online. i started to think about what's going to happen next sem who school starts. things gonna be really different, friends who are no longer staying in hall will not be able to spend time with u. no more sudden visits from friends or last minute dinner plans.
been thinking about having a new relationship, finding the right girl ain't easy. with so many specifics that i need in my girlfriend, i am quite convinced that it's gonna take some time before i can share my life with someone. lowering my standards might be the only way out but does that mean that i am losing faith in God? had a talk with my mum regarding this and she compared me with my brother who got together with this christian girl from school. well, honestly speaking its really up to individual to decide what they what. however, for me God comes first.
been 3 weeks into the holidays and most of my friends are getting jobs. i chose not to simply because the next phase of my life (which is going to be a really long phase) i wil be working. moreover, its not as though i need the money to get anything. i know i am quite pampered in that sense, i dun deny that. will probably still get like a part time really short term job that pays relatively well if there is.
right now, just wanna plan my time wisely for the rest of the holidays. really wanna meet up all my friends whom i have lost contact with. that's where facebook comes in. hah. hoping to continue to meet up with my close friends regularly too. and yes, an important day is coming and i am clueless on what i should do. crashing party sounds like a really bad idea but somehow i guess it might work?? argh, i need to do better than that.
Jesus is Love
Saturday, May 16, 2009
its been two weeks since the end of exams and i haven had a proper rest. its good i guess, to be engaged in so many things other than mugging. feels great to be home, hoping to see more of my parents but our time table kinda clashed since i wake up late and come back late whereas they wake up early and turn in early.
actually not much to blog about since recent events were quite personal and i dun really feel comfortable blogging it out. the two trips were overall rather enjoyable and i definitely got alot of new insights to look at issues that were previously unresolved. objectives were met and i'm pleased with the outcome of the results.
can't really be very specific as it is still ongoing and any form of disclosure might result in a change in outcome. heh.. this post gonna be quite boring cuz i ain't got the mood to blog. well, bear with it. ciao.. :P
Jesus is Love
Friday, May 01, 2009
i tried to convince myself that its over and not think about it, guess what, i suceeded like 5 seconds after my paper. it ain't that hard, no point saying that i could have done better if i studied more. lets face it, its a fact and i screwed up but its OVER!! didn't have the excuse of last sem, whereby i really did my best. sometimes in life effort doesn't have a direct proportionality with results or i hope it does have an indirect relation, if that's the case i'll probably aced it. hah
feels great to be out in the streets, all dressed up and without a tinge of guilt that im not studying. movie was great, had a great company. i thought x men would have more actions but overall it was still worth watching. kinda realised something really strange but i shall not say anything here. we went far east to shop after that, there wasn't any guys stuff there so i was just following the girls around looking for heels.
had to rush down to bradell for dinner for cherylene's bday dinner but we ended up bickering instead. some things really dun change over the years. oh well, it was quite a good meet up though. how ironic eh?
had to rush to cityhall to meet sockie for mambo night. brea didn't managed to get me in so i had to pay for entrance fee. he was just standing 3 mins away from the entrance so i was quite sian diao. mambo night was strange, not much pple were dancing. those who know how to dance were already on the platform. i felt quite dumb doing the moves so i decided to go back to phuture. is that how u spell it? ah well.. think my capacity for alcohol increased. drank abit more than usual, in fact like 2 times more than my usual visits and stil feeling okie.
back at home, i felt completely drained but still had some energy left so i decided to call eueu to talk awhile. it was after like 5 mins before i felt the weariness creeping in. what a way to end an exam. woot!
the next day went out with eu dar candice yang jinyu for some martini thingy but it was full so we had a change of plans. was really excited to see them after so long. it was really cool chilling at timbre, sat there, talk abit, drink abit, eat abit, slack abit. i didn't talk much, the sky was beautiful that day, the moon together with the spotlight shining on the trees. this combination created quite a mesmorising landscape. i just sat there for really long, listening to the music and enjoying the presense of my friends. some of the conversations were quite revolting, i felt uncomfortable by how the world behaves. being sheltered allowed me to live in a world that seems beautiful and lovely. as one grows older, the world that we live in expands and we walk away from the source of light, drawing nearer to the darkness. its up to us really, whether do we venture into the darkness just as we are or do we carry a torchlight with us.
beginning to let God take control of my life, beginning to let the part of me dies off since at the end of the day it amounts to nothing. it feels great to not think about so many things and just follow someone wholeheartedly. no matter what difficulties i faced, i know i can walk through it because with light, darkness cannot be there. friendship sometimes can be so frivolous. i hate to admit that friends do really come and go, relationships too. however the case, i know there's still people that i can count on.
things are getting abit weird, abit too hard for me to handle. i hate the feeling of being caught in the middle or maybe i'm not. dun like the feeling of getting one sided or is it 2? arghh
mum just left my room, she was telling me about how the situation at her workplace improved. it was an answered prayers for me, not only that, God did more than usual again. i wanted to tell my mum how good God is but i know she knows it too. she's seen changes at home, she' seen changes in my dad's workplace, she's seen changes with my grandma for awhile. all these things are real, if it happens one, perhaps its a coincidence, twice perhaps just lucky. thrice, luck? think again!!
mum always teach me how to be nice to people eventhough they maytreat u otherwise. be patient with them, God knows what u have been through, He'll deliver u someday. she will swallow her pride, swallow all her resentment in office. its a good thing that she'll wait for me to come home every week to complain and tell me stuff. i dun want her to bottle everything inside of her. that's how my family works, we share every single detail of our lives.
a few things had been sorted out since i last had a major breakdown. trying to look at things from another angle, i wonder how it will work out. a bad investments will result in a loss so i need to be careful. at the same time i know that without risks, turnover rate will be relatively low. even using hidden markov's model, its futile because the probabilities of such is limitless. trial and error is the only way out and that sucks, so is life. walk on.
Jesus is Love